I continue my quest, again and again, but I'm on medication that isn't helping. Unless I take stimulants in high doses, all I can manage is pacing back and forth all day, and it's exhausting. Fortunately, I've managed to get hold of stimulants that help me do things like build another website about myself, take self-portraits, and, in this case, write this blog post.
It seems to me that everything I manage to do these days revolves around me, but I always give it freely to the world, even though the world doesn't seem to need it all that much. I need it. I need to offer myself, and I need to do it my way, on my own terms.
A recent conversation with another internet user opened my eyes to an aspect of my existence that I was aware of to some extent, but unaware of in its scope: I consider myself the main character in my own life. Places seem to me merely as scenery, and people, sometimes, as extras. The internet user in question was a psychologist, and he made me a recommendation. I was aware of this, but I hadn't realized to what extent it was the case for others. And here I am, thinking that we are each the center of the Universe… and I'm told that this center must be killed. Kill the main character halfway through the film and see how the rest of the plot unfolds, Hitchcock-style.
But do I feel ready to do that?
No, I'm staying
Absolutely not.
I already live my life only in anticipation of death, but I love myself too much to hurt myself or commit suicide, whether it be literal suicide or simply the abandonment of a part of myself: the protagonist. In retrospect, I believe the protagonist came into being within me out of a necessity for survival. I was raised in a dysfunctional family with a violent brother who acted as the father figure, since he was absent, and a workaholic and controlling mother.
I had to learn to take it upon myself to make changes to the structure in which I live. I learned to manipulate events to satisfy my emotional needs: whether it was installing a lock on my bedroom door so that my brother would stop forcing his way in, or searching for friends, since I've never had many, I learned to see myself as a main character, someone who can change the psychology of others, a creator living through adventures to produce the world in which he can grow.
It would seem that this very person is the one throwing obstacles in my path and preventing me from moving forward… but moving forward where? To do what? I'd much rather stay put than move forward in a world I didn't build and haven't changed. In short, a world where I wouldn't know how to live and meet my emotional needs. So I say no. No, I'm staying. I'm staying put and I'm not going anywhere.
A hobbit lived in a hole
Yes, I've decided to stay put in my life… or perhaps it was imposed on me, and I've convinced myself it was my own decision. In truth, I no longer feel capable of returning to the world and having to Dealer with things like bosses, stupid people, unnecessary obligations, and bullshitI am too comfortable in my current lifestyle where I may not do everything I want to do, but I only do what I want to do.
My character's story is one of defeats in all aspects of life, the story of an anti-hero, a underdog who didn't overcome adversity, but who still has a happy ending; the ending of Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings films. An ending that suits a hobbit: living in a hole with a whole collection of all sorts of objects. And like hobbits, I don't want to go on an adventure. I've already been there, and I have absolutely no desire to go back.
Does that mean the main character has to die? I'd much rather enjoy life while I have it than waste it working pointlessly. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the little things in life. People often tell me I should do something with my life… but what do I have to do with my life? I don't owe anyone anything. Do I have to do something with my life? I've already done what I wanted to do.
A possibility is a work
Yes, I've already done what I wanted to do with my life: open up a possibility. The one I opened allows for the creation of a new religion. I've already done it; that's not to say my new religion has come to fruition, but I've made it possible. And a possibility of this kind is a perfectly valid endeavor. Afterward, if people want this religion, it will be adopted, and if they don't, it will be forgotten. And that's fine with me… Like Gilgamesh, I haven't achieved immortality, but what matters are the works we accomplish.
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